Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
