I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
