omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
