She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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