I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
