I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
