i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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