Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you inspire me to be a worse person
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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