I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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