life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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