my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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