What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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