if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
