when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
