new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
