I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
