I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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