had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
