my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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