I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
