On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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