Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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