How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
