I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
