I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
