please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
