You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
