ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
