I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
