I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
