My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
