was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
