his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
