So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Someone shattered a urinal.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
