Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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