96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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