just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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