Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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