Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
