shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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