Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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