I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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