One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
