Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
