At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
