I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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