ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
