I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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