I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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