The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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